I can never fully let you go.
I think about you every day, and hope you will never forget me. I could never forget about you, even if I tried.
As we navigate through our ever changing relationship, I sometimes get angry at myself for allowing this to continue on. "Wouldn't I be better off if I just cut things off completely?" I say out loud from time to time... and every time I do, I get a knot in my stomach. Life without you in it would be grey. Even if you are only a distant friend, a spontaneous text, and song I hear from time to time... those little moments where you decide to reveal yourself to me instantly make life brighter, more vibrant, worth it.
Time is a fickle beast that we have yet to tame. We fight and fight until we have nothing left to give and finally... we just give up, letting it win. We hold onto our memories, our connection, our love for each other and hope that one day Time will see that fighting against us is not the right thing any more. At the perfect moment, it will throw up it's hands and end the battle - letting us win the war. I think about that moment sometimes, that moment where there is no more fighting and the war is won. I wonder, is it a moment that will forever live in my dreams or will it one day become my reality?
A reality where time is on our side is one that I cannot imagine, but so desperately want.
I can never fully let you go, and that scares me. It scares me because I am chasing after a moment that isn't real. It isn't real and it makes living in the present moment that much more difficult. I can never fully let you go and that means constantly wondering what if? What if our time will finally come? What if it doesn't? What if everything changes, as it always does, and life will no longer have a place for you and me? What if that place never existed in the first place? What if we are doing things all wrong?
I could never fully let you go, even if I tried, but the reality where we finally win the war is something I can't hold onto forever. That moment, that dream, that what-if... is the thing I finally need to let go of.